Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
