I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
