Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
