I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
