Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
