She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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