as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
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Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
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An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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