I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
