Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
