Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
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I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.