I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.