I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here