I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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