Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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