So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
