6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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