Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
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You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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