i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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