I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
