I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
