My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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