You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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