im six kinds of drunk right now
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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