I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
