I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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