Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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