A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
