this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
