Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
