she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
