My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
