I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
