it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
