It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I want is dick and wine.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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