i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
