this must be what syphilis tastes like
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
