if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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