If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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