I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
