I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
