five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
