i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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