Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
