I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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