So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
