What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
