Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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