I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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