its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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