Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here