Texts From Last Night

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  (972): View more from Texas

  He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.

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  (972): He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me. http://tfl.nu/b757
  Replies (22) Good night (5137) Bad night (495)
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.

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  (319): The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me. http://tfl.nu/ughv
  Replies (3) Good night (944) Bad night (2749)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?

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  (503): do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster? http://tfl.nu/6xmt
  Replies (20) Good night (4975) Bad night (1066)
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  (323): View more from California

  I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.

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  (323): I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom. http://tfl.nu/rbnh
  Replies (120) Good night (1593) Bad night (45560)
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  (408): View more from California

  We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.

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  (408): We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old. http://tfl.nu/3zai
  Replies (17) Good night (5797) Bad night (742)
• Favorite

  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

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  (+31): Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing http://tfl.nu/rk5x
  Replies (7) Good night (4251) Bad night (896)
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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  (239): Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way http://tfl.nu/7r2y
  Replies (13) Good night (4384) Bad night (818)
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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  (907): He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron. http://tfl.nu/g77l
  Replies (15) Good night (4321) Bad night (871)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.

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  (270): truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around. http://tfl.nu/6rm8
  Replies (7) Good night (1641) Bad night (669)
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.

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  (337): Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm. http://tfl.nu/b44z
  Replies (7) Good night (408) Bad night (656)
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success

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  (413): The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success http://tfl.nu/ro65
  Replies (2) Good night (400) Bad night (784)
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.

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  (678): I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost. http://tfl.nu/2pxc
  Replies (9) Good night (570) Bad night (266)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger

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  (913): My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger http://tfl.nu/nsuk
  Replies (2) Good night (599) Bad night (233)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?

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  (612): Did you put pizza in my boxers last night? (1-612): I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day? http://tfl.nu/wnhf
  Replies (0) Good night (327) Bad night (585)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.

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  (919): Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes. http://tfl.nu/z2vt
  Replies (0) Good night (509) Bad night (178)

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