it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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