I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
