If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
