If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My feet surprised me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
