After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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