The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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