You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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