Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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