It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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